That Southern Girl

It's my crazy life…

-Forcing your kid(s) to spend time out of their room with the family watching a show won’t kill anyone..(my kids will realize this when they are older..lol)…

-That you don’t have to have a “decent”picture, let your kid stick their tongue out..pick their nose and make bunny ears..there is Photoshop to make changes to those pictures and the blackmail that will be in their future is a fabulous thing..(they brought it upon themselves..lol)

-When your kid(s) want to show you something, or tell you something for the bajillionth time..watch as though it is the first time you’ve seen it, and listen like you’ve never heard it before.

-When your kid(s) tell you to look at them when they are talking to you.. or even if they don’t.. stop what you are doing and look at them..because before you know it they won’t be so small and cuddly anymore.

-Always make room on your lap for your kid(s) to sit..

-Hug your kid(s) as much as you can.. My older kids aren’t huggers, even when something bad is going on..they shut off.. and I blame myself for that..so demand hugs.. My husband is still breaking the two of them down after 12 years..

-When your kid says watch this, and you watch and say to yourself “I can do that better”.. accept no you really can’t, nor should you try.. nothing good ever happens when you hear a grown adult say “hey kids! watch this” … ask My husband.. Bless his heart…

-Having some space away from your spouse is needed on both sides and without any kid(s) in tow.. out of the house so no one can find you either.. unless they can track you on your phone.. Because then you screwed yourself..lol

Yes, I really did name a page and section this…

You see sometimes I write these fabulous posts and pages (I’m still learning the difference), and then my blog seems to misplace them.  I then find myself changing settings, quietly cursing at the computer and then throwing my hands up and walking away… until I have eaten enough of my feeling away completely forgetting the aggravation I was recently caused.

Until I can figure out where the posts go… you might find them here.  Unless I try to get fancy and attempt to organize them…

Actually who am I kidding, if you find them consider yourself lucky… that’s probably more than I was able to do..

 

A Southern Saying for Every Occasion

It seems that people in the South have an expression for everything, and usually more than one.  If you are from another part of the country or from another country altogether, I hope you enjoy my collection of Southern sayings.

“Bless Your Heart” -Almost everyone knows Southern women drop this phrase constantly. But it might not mean what you think it means.  In reality, the phrase has little to do with religion and more to do with a passive-aggressive way to call you an idiot. Depending on your inflection, saying “bless your heart” can sting worse than any insult.

Barking up the wrong tree.- you are wrong

Caught with your pants down.- surprised and unprepared

Don’t count your chickens until they hatch.

Either fish or cut bait.-work or make way for those who will

Even a blind hog finds an acorn now and then.-everyone gets lucky sometimes

Go to bed with the chickens. -in bed early

“He’s as drunk as Cooter Brown.”- Cooter Brown is an infamous character in Southern lore. Legend tells that he lived on the Mason-Dixon line — the border between the North and South — during the Civil War. To avoid the draft on either side, Cooter decided to stay drunk throughout the entire war, making him ineligible for battle.  Inebriated Southerners have measured their drunkenness by him ever since.

“He thinks the sun comes up just to hear him crow.” – On farms (not just in the South) roosters usually crow when the sun rises. Their vociferous habit wakes up the house, signaling time to work.  An extremely cocky rooster might think the sun rises simply because he crows. Similarly, an extremely cocky man might think the same when he speaks — and also that everyone should listen to him.

He’s so dumb he couldn’t pour piss out of a boot with the instructions written on the heel.

He’s as windy as a sack full of farts. -Used for someone who is known for lying.

He doesn’t have a pot to piss in or a window to throw it out of. -Someone who is dirt poor.

He’s so full of sh^t his eyes are brown.

He’s about as useful as an ashtray on a motorcycle.

He didn’t know whether to sh^t or go blind so he winked his right eye and farted. -Someone who is easily confused, or dim-witted.

If you don’t stop that crying, I’ll give you something to cry about! -Usually resulted in a spanking, making us cry more

“I’m finer than frog hair split four ways.” – Southerners mostly use this phrase to answer, “How are you?” Even those below the Mason-Dixon know frogs don’t have hair, and the irony means to highlight just how dandy you feel.

I’m sweatin’ like a whore in church.

I’m shakin’ like a hound-dog trying to sh^t a peach pit.

I’m busier than a 2-dollar whore on nickel night.

It’s hotter than a billy goat’s ass in a pepper patch.

It’s colder than a witch’s tit.

Like a bump on a log. -lazy and doing nothing

“She’s as happy as a dead pig in the sunshine.” – When a pig dies, presumably in a sty outside, the sun dries out its skin. This effect pulls the pig’s lips back to reveal a toothy “grin,” making it look happy even though it’s dead. This phrase describes a person who’s blissfully ignorant of reality.

“She was madder than a wet hen.”- Hens sometimes enter a phase of “broodiness” — they’ll stop at nothing to incubate their eggs and get agitated when farmers try to collect them. Farmers used to dunk hens in cold water to “break” their broodiness.

She was busier than a cat burying’ sh^t on a marble floor.

She has her nose so high in the air she could drown in a rainstorm. -For people who are very conceited.

She could start an argument in an empty house.

She was so buck-toothed she could eat corn through a picket fence.

She was busy as a cat on a hot tin roof.

She was busier than a one-armed monkey with two peckers.

Two shakes of a sheep’s tail. -done quickly

“That’s about as useful as tits on a bull.” – If this needs explaining… Bless your heart.

“That thing is all catawampus.” – Catawampus adj: askew, awry, cater-cornered.  Many don’t really know how it evolved, though. They speculate it’s a colloquial perversion of “cater-corner.” Variations include: catawampous, cattywampus, catty wonkus. The South isn’t really big on details.

Well, shut my mouth. -shocked and speechless

“We’re living in high cotton.”- Cotton has long been a key crop to the South’s economy, so every harvest farmers pray for tall bushes loaded with white fluffy balls in their fields. Tall cotton bushes are easier to pick and yield higher returns. If you’re living “in high cotton,” it means you’re feeling particularly successful or wealthy.

“You look rode hard and put up wet.”- No, this isn’t Southern sexual innuendo. The phrase refers to a key step in horse grooming — when a horse runs fast, it works up a sweat, especially under the saddle. A good rider knows to walk the horse around so it can dry off before going back to the stable. A horse will look sick and tired if you forget this step, much like a person who misses sleep or drinks too much.

 

Now that my kids are out of school, and summer break is in full swing. I constantly find myself thinking ahead, with what is just around the corner waiting for me.

Just like so many others that are consumed in planning trips to the beach or just traveling with their families. I too am consumed, but with something that is the complete opposite. Now that I have had to take a different approach to summers, I am having a difficult time. I can no longer think about how much time I will be spending at the beach over the summer, or the countless hours spent just floating around the pool soaking in the rays. I’m not going to lie; just thinking about that right now, makes me want to scream!!

As I type this, I am hitting redial over and over again hoping to get through to a travel agent to book my room for an upcoming lacrosse event. My daughter’s devotion to lacrosse is what I find myself consumed in. On some days everything runs smoothly, much like a well oiled machine. Then there are days like today, where I swear I am down to a final fuse before I am about to blow.

Lacrosse in our house isn’t just a sport played in the spring. For the past seven years, it has become a sport played year round. January through early May is my daughter’s school season. That is honestly the easy breezy time. My daughter spends six days a week at practice, my husband and I show up at the games, cheer her on and call it a day. Anything needing planning during school season is done for me, all the way down to where to stay if it happens to be a game out of town. Club season however, is a different beast. After school season comes to an end, we get a fabulous 2 weeks off, until we are at it again. From the end of May through the beginning of January, all chaos breaks loose.

Cue Lupus and the medication that I am currently prescribed. A medication that due to the possible side effects, does make me stop twice and think long and hard if having a glass of wine is really worth it or not. If I didn’t know better my conscious’ voice sounds just like Homer Simpson. The only difference, I’m hearing “mmm, wine” although a doughnut sounds really good about now as well.

I’m sure you are sitting there wondering how chaos can really come from a kid’s sport, and you want to know if it really does consume my entire summer. Well if you happen to have a kid or two or three lying around, and you find yourself wanting to jump on the insanity bandwagon, you should look into lacrosse. I’m still sitting here hitting the redial button, stressing out even more.

Oh there it is that one word that can make or break anyone… stress. Now for those of us already riding along on the lupie train, you get it. If you happen to be standing on the outside looking in, waving at us as our train blasts by. I know there are some that are waving back, maybe not with their whole hand though. It is hard and frustrating being told over and over again, while in the middle of having a stress overload to just relax, go out for a run, meditate, get some sun, do yard work, go workout, and have a drink.

If you are not yet familiar with the “Spoon Theory”, become familiar with it. For those with loved ones, diagnosed with Lupus it will give you the best breakdown of just how much is too much. If you are already familiar with the “Spoon Theory”, well I ran out of spoons over a week ago and I’m pushing past the pain, past the fatigue to do anything and everything I can to help my daughter reach one of her goals which is to play lacrosse in college.

So here I am, thinking about my next lacrosse adventure with my daughter. Wondering if my body will give out before I do while driving to Virginia this week, I’m wondering just how long I will be able to sit in the sun, wondering how much sleep really is needed, and wondering if I can find just enough 7elevens, Starbucks, Krispy Kremes and Chick-fil-a to keep a “starving” 17 year old full just long enough until we need another.

I use to think that the moms that have a few kids in multiple sports were just driving themselves crazy…  The ones who run from one end of town to the other to get to sporting events.

Okay, slight confession… I still do think it is a bit crazy, not the “use to” that I just happened to mention a second ago.

My sister is the one who would pop to mind whenever I think about those moms.  She has 3 boys, all 3 happen to be in different sports and all in different parts of town.  I use to ask her if she had anytime left to sit and catch her breath at the end of the day.

I use to tell myself I was not going to be one of “those” moms.  I use to say, “I will NOT run around jacked up on caffeine” Speaking in sentences sometimes at such a fast rate my ears can hardly keep up.

Well… I too have 3 kids… and I’m not sure if it was genetics that threw me onto the crazy train, or just pure luck..but here I am.

My oldest child plays lacrosse, lacrosse and lacrosse… Not sure if you caught which sport she is into, but it’s lacrosse.  Without sounding to bias she is very talented.  She is a solid athlete, and even though her chance to really shine has come at a bit of a cost for all of us it was worth every moment.  She is one of those kids that as a parent you love to watch them compete, because when she takes the field she goes all out.  I sit back and wait for it… Then BAM!! There IT is!! Did you just see that?? Okay, how about that??  So now you ask, “How did it come at a cost?” Well that is a whole other story…  To quote a wise fish “Just keep swimming, swimming, swimming”

My middle child, my oldest son has been raised just the same as any good boy from the south is, and that was with the love of football.  He’d go out, throw the ball with his dad… then he’d go to catch it.  In my mind I would immediately hear that little voice chime in, saying bless his heart.  Then I would feel bad, because I was certain he would never be cut out to be a football player.  Then everything became clear when I took him in to get his eyes checked.  I found out I was this bad mom, because I had been letting my child go around basically blind in one eye.  Well when we took care of that problem, for whatever reason he has now decided hunting and surfing are what he is crazy about.  So I’ll be supportive, because at least he can bring home the bacon… literally.

Last, but not least is the baby of the family, and he is a little pistol to say the least.  Being the baby he has taken on the role of wanting to do EVERYTHING his older siblings are doing.  At the moment, my husband and I see he will have a future in swimming (the diving side of it), gymnastics, surfing and without any doubt… lacrosse.  We will have to see just how that last one pans out.

So what am I doing??  Well I’m doing exactly what I said I wouldn’t be doing.  I too have kids in multiple sports, that keep me running in different directions.

To be quite honest, if they all were into the same thing… My life would be boring.